The Uniqueness of Personhood

One of the quintessential undertakings of philosophy is to define the essence of personhood. What, exactly, is it that makes me me? In a conversation over the past week, the idea was posed that I may be nothing more than my genetic makeup coupled with my lifetime of experiences - essentially, there is nothing more to man than nature and nurture. A place deep-seated within me, rebelled at the idea that there is no essence, no soul, no intentional uniqueness about me. I abhor the thought that were my genetic composition to be coupled with a precise replication of the entirety of my life's experience the result would be a direct clone of me in every aspect. The logic is sound by empirical standards, and yet I am compelled to insist upon a reality that is empirically imperceptible. I mean only that there exits an element of life that cannot be detected by present methods yet surely is real in the deepest sense of the word. I am troubled that my confidence is outside the bounds of rationalism - my epistemology is, consequently, inconsistent.

To Consent to Be Loved

William R. Newell wrote his thoughts on grace over 100 years ago, and although I find myself further and further from so much of his theological tradition he penned a single sentence that has resonated with me for years now - "To believe, and to consent to be loved while unworthy, is the great secret."  

Newell's rationale behind the sentiment was more or less a matter of man's response to God's grace, but I've found that it defines a broader struggle for me.  There is no greater lacking in my soul than the ability to receive love.  To be the object of another's admiration and affection is perhaps the most painful sensation of my life, but one that I crave deeply nonetheless.  It's far easier to engage with people in a shallow and superficial comaraderie than it is to discover the depth of intimacy and profound human engagement. I got the tattoo below as a reminder that the challenge is ongoing and deserving of ever-renewed intent - The worst case scenario is that I am indeed unworthy of being loved - the best case is that my very being warrants deep love.  I suspect the truth is somewhere between the two, and closer to the latter.

That's What the Lonely Is For

That's actually a title of a David Wilcox song, but plagiarism aside I think this is shaping up to be one of the chief questions in my life: what is the purpose of loneliness?  I had a friend in Virginia, a very smart man who had married a not-so brilliant woman.  He found their intellectual incompatibilities to be a stark reminder of how alone he was in some respects.  He also found that it served to remind him that this world is not perfect and cannot meet the needs of a soul.  Furthermore, it moved him to contemplate the days when loneliness would be extinguished in light of perfect fellowship with God.  

I feel less confident in my answers.

It seems, these days, that I have difficulty fathoming any explanation of God that requires Him to be more than a concept, a theological problem to be worked over throughout the course of human history.  Naturally, I believe that there must be some better experience to be had, some validating event in life that would lead rational, intelligent men and women to cling to the promise of a transcendent, personal God.  Surely, they can't all be victims of a common delusion?  

I find that troubling questions are raised: have these individuals coerced themselves into "experiencing" what they thought must be true of God?  Where did the idea of a personal God originate? Who was the first to propagate this concept and to establish it as the criteria by which one's eternal destiny ought to be judged?  I believe in God - the teleological arguments have done it for me.  Beyond that, I am hard pressed to express conviction in any other element of Christianity.  I am wary, because I want it to be real.  I desire that the Bible be true.  I wonder, though, if that very longing will become a self-fulfilling prophecy of sorts.  I suspect that one day I will discover that I cannot cling to reason and faith with equal tenacity.  As much as I want to reconcile the two I find that I do not possess the mental acuity to render them mutually inclusive.  

New and Improved

I'm starting this blog without telling anyone about it simply because I suspect the people who really care will find it.  And if you have, then welcome - I don't plan to be funny or witty or even at all clever... my intent here is just to write the deeper and darker thoughts that come my way.  My theological development might be found here in its varying speculative stages.  I've found that as I've read the blogs of others some questions arise which I never quite get around to addressing. I hope that perhaps a few of those will make their way into written form and, should that be the case, will spark some essence of conversation that can be mutually beneficial.  In other words, please respond!  Your thoughts and experiences are meaningful to me, particularly as I learn to interpret my own.  Until some thoughts are sparked - thanks for your effort...